Monday, December 14, 2009


this is for i heart faces animal challenge this week!
she looks absolutely thrilled! ha!

this is one of my two cats, callie, because she's a calico cat.

Monday, November 16, 2009

autumn beauty


i took this in the back woods of my house, when i saw the i heart faces autumn beauty i automatically decided to put this up, why not try?

Sunday, November 8, 2009


i'm a firm believer in God, i know he has a plan for me. i know that everything that happens to me, whether it be good or bad, has a reason, but i don't understand...

if he is the master of everything,
why is there so much pain,
why is there so much hatred in the world,
why do people need to experience all of that,

if he can do so many amazing things why does he make people suffer?

i know, i know it's for a reason, but sometimes those reasons are so hard for me to realize, in the depths of sadness or confusion i want so badly to scream at God, to turn my back on Him, to yell at Him because he shouldn't make me suffer, he's my so called savior but he makes me suffer, and lately, i've been yelling at God, i know that He will never turn his back on me, i know that this is all for a reason, so i will continue to stick with him, because he is in fact my savior.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

shut up

i ask people all the time, what's your favorite story about mom? i hear the stories, and it makes me feel worse, horrible, my heart breaks, i always thought the stories were supposed to help me, but they're just reminders that i won't be able to make those memories, it's another reminder that i was robbed of the oppurtunity of knowing what a nice person she was, what an amazing soul she had. stories are suppose to help, but they hurt me so much. and when someone says, "your mom was sooooooooooo nice, she was soooooooo selfless, she was sooooooooooooo...", i want to scream, SHUT THE FUCK UP, STOP TELLING ME, IT HURTS ME. STOP.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

trust in him at all times

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalm 62:8

since my mom died instead of actually feeling the emotions i've obsessed over irrational things. since starting my medication i CAN'T obsess, once i start obsessing i just stop, and i try and try but i CAN'T so now, i have to face the emotions, the scary ones, the ones where i know my mom is dead, i'll never see her again, i've never mourned, and now i'm starting to.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

five minutes

i want so badly to have five minutes. five minutes, that's all i need. i need five minutes to hug her, to remember her voice, to inhale her smell, i want five minutes. five more minutes. if i had five minutes i don't think i'd ask her questions, i don't think i'd make her tell me what heavens like-i know she's there, i don't think i'd do anything but say i love you, and hug her, have her hold me, have her be there, for five minutes. i feel so guilty for spreading all this shitty energy, why can't i write about how her death inspires me, how i need to live a better life because of her, why don't i appreciate that i had her for nine years? i can't write about that because EVERY fucking day i have a smile on my face, every fucking day i tell people it's okay when they accidently ask if my mom's going to pick me up, every fucking day i tell my teachers i'm fine, every fucking day i put on an act, and i need somewhere to write about the feelings i don't know about. when i'm writing my finger tips move and i read what comes up, usually suprised. i click new post and i don't know what the post is going to contain. my posts are all over the place, because my mind trys to start burying those raw emotions, patching up that hole. i need to rip off the patches, i need to feel the fucking raw shit, i need to. but i'm too scared. i'm too scared of going back to that dark place, i don't want to, whatever way i can to prevent it, i'm doing. i know talking about how i feel is good, i know crying is good, i just don't want her death to consume me all the time. sometimes i get through a day without even thinking about her, and that's what hurts, she's not in my life. she's not something i need to get through the day. and that hurts. she's suppose to be here, she's suppose to be a vidal person in my life, and she's not. i want five minutes.

fairness my ass.

i need to write. but what am i supposed to write about. a weights on my chest but i don't know what the weight consists of. the major thing is...

it's not fair.

that's it. it's NOT fair that my mom died. it's NOT fair that my cousin died. it's NOT fair that i struggle with anxiety and ocd. it's NOT fucking fair. why can't it just be FAIR. why do good people have to die, why do good people have to leave this earth, WHY. i believe He has a plan for me, something good WILL come out of this all, but sometimes it's fucking unfair.

Monday, September 14, 2009

fix it friday!

this was on friday and i edited this weekend but never got around to uploading it is!!

Friday, September 4, 2009

puzzle pieces.

any new change puts me into full anxiety. i hate change, i like to feel comfortable. i like to know what's coming next, surprises are not my friend. although this is my sophomore year of high school, i'm no longer the freshman who is terrified and lost, it's still DIFFERENT. in order for me to learn well i need to have a good relationship with my teachers, and with a new school year that means that it's all new teachers, new relationships that i need to build. the first two days were good. my teachers all seem very down to earth and i think i'll be able to build relationships with them.

it still is hard for me to start new beginnings while my mom isn't here. it's hard to know that she'll never be there when my boyfriend breaks up with me, when i get engaged, on my wedding day, when i get pregnant, when i give birth, and all those other major life moments. she's forever gone and even though as time goes on it gets a little easier to get through the day without crying, i know it's going to be incredibly hard to go through the those moments without her there, i've said it a lot, but there will forever be a missing puzzle piece in my life puzzle. we start as babies, basically four puzzle pieces: food, sleep, poop, repeat. as life goes on we become attached to more things, some blankets, some toys, some people. each year in life puzzle pieces are added, our jigsaw becoming more complex.

no matter how full my puzzle gets, there will always be a piece i can't find, i will always search for it, but it will always be missing.

fix it friday

this is my first photo edit for i heart faces!

Monday, August 31, 2009


all edited with lightroom...i'm officially OBSESSED.

Friday, August 7, 2009


the thing that hurts me the most is that i was robbed at the chance of ever getting to know her....

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


last night i watched an abc family secrets primetime special about teens struggling with ocd. i have ocd and i take medicine for it and it's helped SO much. not too many people know what i struggle with or that i'm on the medicine. watching the special i felt such a connection to the kids because i know what the struggles feel like. i know what it feels like to look for reassurance and your family just pushing you to do the things you fear. also, seeing the special gave me a better understanding of the ocd. when you have ocd a certain thing in the brain doesn't send you the message that its okay. you worry and worry and worry and worry and it consumes you. "regular" peoples brain get the message that the irrational thought is in fact irrational and not to worry. the medicine helps us realize the thoughts are irrational. i have ocd but i'm conquering it.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


this is how i've been feeling. i can honestly say i feel the best i've felt in a LONG time. and i'm so happy. i feel normal, which is such a new thing for me. i've spent the last three years having anxiety pretty much every day. not going out in fear of coming home to my dad dead, not wanting to leave the house because what if the world split in half. i now look at it and see how IRRATIONAL those thoughts were. living with OCD is horrifying. i still get irrational fears but i will NOT let that stop me from doing things. i will go on an escalator, something i WOULDN'T do for over a year. i go to malls, stores, on walks because i know every time i do it i become a little less scared. i'm happy. and i love it.

Friday, July 17, 2009

when the cookie crumbles

on January 5, 2005 my universe shattered. my universe as i knew it was gone, torn away. something NO ONE should go through.from that day on i've become a wounded person, i will be the girl i was on January 4, 2005 again. i will never been the same. i don't know who i would've become because death has changed me so much, it has made me different human. would i be more care-free, would i have never have gone through the anxiety and panic attacks, unable to go to certain places. i will never know. ever. on January 5, 2005 my mom died. she died, she was there and then she was gone. never to hug me again, never to talk to me again, never there to cry to, never would i be able to say i love you. i never got to make that last call. i never got to say sorry for all the attitude i gave her. for my whole life i will have a burden on my that i never called my mom. my last chance, my gut feeling, i missed it. i wish i could have that ONE conversation, even if she didn't understand me, it would give me the closer i need. (i thought i was past the barganing stage). i know i've come to terms with her death, but every new milestone i achive there's a feeling deep down inside that somethings missing. SHE'S missing, when i got my period i didn't have a mom to run to i didn't have someone to tell me how to use a tampon for the first time i didn't have a woman in the house to ask all my qusetions about all the wierd feelings i had. i'd ask friends, but i think they got annoyed. i can't go to my dad and say dad whats this feeling, because he has NO possible idea. my therapist says each major milestones in my life it will be like i'm dealing with her dying all over again. i'm sort of scared but i know i'll get through. she said it'll be less harder as life goes on. when my mom died i turned all my senses off. yeah, i was still a kid but when you're nine you don't comprehend death. for YEARS i thought she was going to walk through the door. for years i thought maybe it was all a mistake. and the older i got the more it became real. the older i got the more i realized i will NEVER know who my mom was. every single day i think about her a little less. every single day i loose a memory i had of her. i don't remember her voice. i don't remember what she sounded like when she called my name or said she loved me. i don't remember what she was like. i forget almost everything about her. that's what hurts the most. i'll never know her.


"No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war"
-Laughing With
Regina Spektor

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

my story: part 1

warning: this post goes ALL over the mind was a little crazy

here's how my story goes....

i can always remember being worrier. from the beginning of time you could say. i remember laying in bed with my mom, my best friend. she told me to go get a ruler, i brought it to her and she showed me a measurement of a tumor in her ovaries. i honestly had no idea what that was. i remember being at my grandma's nursing home and my mommy running to the bathroom because something was dripping down her leg, i remember coming home and she cut her LONG hair to right above her shoulders, i remember her hair falling out in clumps, i remember her shaving her head, wearing different hats and scarfs. she still went to work everyday in new york. she still came home and made us dinner. i feel guilty that i don't' really remember her. i feel like i was cheated. people in life who didn't deserve to get to know my mom know her better that i ever will. and i don't think that's fair. i remember being a 9 year old brat, and i wonder if that made her hate me, i know that's not true but there are still doubts in my mind....back to the mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, i remember she had surgery and went into remission, then it came back and it came back with a vengeance. she literally fought for her life but rarely let me see her struggle. i used to help her attach her iv's, i remember there was a medicine that made her mouth taste so bad i'd give her a mint right away. she tried to make it feel as normal as possible. i remember the day that she told me she was going to die, but a nine year old doesn't really process that. i remember going outside and talking to my best friend, saying my mom was going to die. but when someone says that do you EVER really let go of that little hope that they'll be the one to make it. they'll be that one in the medical books, "1 in 1000000". we don't, because if we did how would we have faith, how would we keep going, how would we be able to get ourselves out of bed without hope. now shall i get back to the story? okay, i will. my mom literally fought for her life, you hear that all the time. but my mom never did anything just for herself. she was the most selfless person i know, we moved to a bigger house so my aunt who could never pay her rent would have somewhere to live when she was kicked out of her house, she would buy my aunts family groceries, clothes, anything before she would get herself something. she was told she was going to make it until October of '04 if she were lucky. she wanted to be there for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. she wanted to see us open all of our presents. she didn't give up until she felt as though we had all the time with her we needed. on christmas morning she went to hospice, after we opened presents, she never let me see her in pain, she never let me know she was struggling, she never took a smile off her face, her ocean blue eyes always glistened, i didn't know it was coming. i know my family was trying to protect me but sometimes i just WISH that i got to stay with her that night, hug her, smell her, hold her, be with my mommy one last time. i remember visiting her and every time i went there was one more bed empty, i didn't connect the dots. i was too busy playing with my new american girl doll. i didn't know. i went to visit my half sister for Christmas break and when i came back the mom i saw wasn't someone i knew. she was in a drugged state.she didn't speak she was merely a body....she was not mom. i remember i hugged her, said i loved her and left. that was saturday january 3rd. on january 4th i didn't visit her. that night i was laying down going to bed and i remember walking into my dads room saying i wanted to call her. he said to wait until the morning, i didn't have a chance. and for right now, this is all i am able to write.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Because of the Lord, I am here.

this might be a long one. i keep hearing this thing about people talking about God; that you grow closer to him when you're in the darkest places in your life, and that's so true for me. i just recently got close with God. i always used to pray but i don't think i ever really had faith. i'd never really talk to god in all aspects of life, just a quick generic pray here and there at night. but the beginning of the year was REALLY hard for me. i had panic attacks daily. i couldn't get through a day of school without taking a little break. i was so lost. talking about it makes me upset....and thats when i found Kelly's blog, and i strongly beleive that God made me find her, because she opened my eyes up to Him again. it's because of her that i've been trusting in God, talking to him, preaching about him, and reading the Bible....she was put in place for me to find her. then from Kelly if found MckMama...and she has grown my faith even more. i love them, i've only spoken to Kelly maybe once. i've never talkedto Mckmama, and i know that they don't know how much they helped me find my faith again when i was so alone and dark. but i wanted to say thank you. because of them i'm still fighting and winning my battle against anxiety and worry. because of them i have FAITH in God, i've seen the miracles that they have experienced and i know that God has a path in life for me, and i know they were put in my path so i could find Him again.

thank you Kelly and MckMama, these words cannot express the gratitude i have for you guys.

xoxo alyssa

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


my finals start tomorrow. my freshman year is OVER. it went by way too fast!
i can't beleive it. i'm getting prepared for finals and i'll be done on monday.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

you are my sunshine

No pun intendend, but the past MONTH during the week, Monday-Friday, it's.....rainy, gloomy, humid, and overall depressing kind of weather. And then we get to the weekend and it's GORGEOUS, SUNNY, BREEZY, BLUE SKIES.....then Monday comes. I know that God's bringing the nice weather for the relaxing weekend but please, please, a girl needs some sunlight!! This past week has been hard for me because I forgot to take my medicine for a couple of days so my OCD and Anxiety got really bad and I am starting to feel back to normal and will NEVER forget to take my medicine daily.....lesson learned!!! Also, I've been searching within myself to beleive in God, although I beleive, and pray I don't think I'm doing what he wants me to do with my life. I have started to read the bible and I am trying to read and associate with more religious p....okay my friend called me while I was writing this asking me to help her with something so I can honestly say that I have NO CLUE what I was going to write after the "p"....people? person? peeps? pigs?....I don't even know! HAHAHAH. I am building my relationship with God as I begin to read the bible, and as I become closer with God I think that I see the more temptation for sin there is. No one in my immediate family is very religious soI feel odd talking to them about this although I know God would want me to promote his I write this I feel as though He is showing me the truth Faith and Trust I have with him as I write these words effortlessly and I see how I truly beleive in him.

School is going to be done in about a week and a half and I always hear people say that freshman year goes by quick but I never realized that it went THIS quick. I feel like I just was dropped off at orientation with shaking knees and my heart racing!!! I countinue to grow eachday and I'm getting a little bit anxious for finals but know that I'll be fine!! We have a Mac lab in school with I want to say 30 of the new iMac desktop computer and they're amazing. Today my best friend Shrouk and I went in there during lunch with the intention of Shrouk doing her science study guide but we resulted in laughing hysterically, taking pictures, listening to Taylor Swift, and just being GIRLS. Here are some of the pictures we took......

I really love the last hair is a HOT MESS because of this curmmy weather.....I've got curly roots and straight at the's hair on top, mom's hair on bottom....lucky me!! Shrouk's parents and baby brother Omar went to Missouri today to house search and I honestly don't know what I'll do if she moves. We hang out EVERYDAY all day. Going from my house to her house.....and you pronounce her name like....."Sha-ruu-k".....also today I went and worked out and I am going to continue to get my Dopamine running through my body and get healthy as the summer comes so I'm fresh and new and happy with myself next year!! Now I'm going to go and finish my math homework....I'm a procrastinator...but not before I use speel check!! ahahhaha.

xoxox Alyssa

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


I love to photograph. I have a point and shoot 14 megapixel camera and I have my baby, a Pentax that I'm unable to use because the shutter needs to be fixed. I like to use natural light but when needed, I use my flash. I love getting that perfect shot, the picture you want and when you edit it you get it just the way you want it to look like. I know I'm no photographer but I love to photograph.


Saturday, May 16, 2009

hellllllo there!

I haven't really been blogging lately well because, life has been running smoothly. Ha! I've been working out after school practically every day and babysitting on Tuesday's and school work and all of a sudden it's May 16th! Only 26 more days until I'm done with my freshman year o high school and I can't believe it's already over. As I write this I'm watching new Lifetime movie about a girl who was in the mall parking lot and was abducted in broad day light, UM WHAT? Really, all those people around and no one tried t help. Trust me if that were me I'd scream bloody murder to make sure the whole ll heard me. And, if I just saw that happening to someone I'd scream even louder and go and attack the abductor. I've realized the passed couple of nights that if I get woken up a little while after I wake up and feel CRAZY. Half of my brain is in a nocturnal state and have o my brain is up. I feel LOCO EN LA CABEZA. Okay, maybe I'll leave a recent picture of me and my friends and the beautiful spring trees!

(Me on Mother's Day- my mommy passed away 5 years ago.)

(Shrouk and me~~~one of my best friends!!)

Saturday, April 18, 2009

spring has SPRUNG

Spring is finally here! Thank you Lord. I'm so sick of winter and cold and being stuck in the house; I bet a bunch of people can agree with me that winter causes depression. Sitting at home getting stir crazy, it's so cold nothing makes you warm, it feels like those three months from December to Mid-March are SO LONG. At school March is the longest month of all, no breaks, no snow days, no holidays or days off. Come April everyone's estatic for a week off and some refreshing weather. As I write this I'm sitting outside and taking in the sun. Girlfriend over here needs a tan because these winter months have made me whiter than Casper, ha! I know that since I'm a teenager there are many things in life I don't know about yet but I've found myself questioning a lot lately. Like how do we stand on earth without falling off; kinda creepy if you sit there and force yourself to think about. Well, I'm going to leave you a picture of how crazy my hair looks right now, a result of not doing anything to it. I showered and went to bed last night; here are the results. :)

Yesterday it hit 70 degrees so I went to the beach with my sisters best friend. My sisters away at college and her best friends faily is just like a second family.

Now I"m gonan go in a take a shower and do that "Beaver" hair.


Thursday, April 16, 2009

yeah, i'm really gonna try I haven't blogged since Valentines day..I"ve been on the internet every single day I just haven't blogged because well lets see. School, I became a woman, and regular teenage stuff. Since I first got my period last month I've felt so balanced. My anxiety has minimized and I just feel good. Except when I eat sugar. Holy moly can I tell you; I just had ice cream and I feel so jittery like a billion miles per hour so tomorrow I'm going to go back to eatting healthy. My best friend who moved to Florida in sixth grade came to visit this Thursday-Tuesday. I love her so much and her family is my second family. I spent the whole weekend with her and when she went to visit other friends I stayed with her mom and brother. Love them so much!

That's my best friend and her brother Vaughn being silly before church on Easter Sunday! They make me feel so calm and relaxed I love it. I came home and was so sad that they were going back to Florida so I"ve pretty much just been on the computer, taking pictures of myself, going to the grocery store, hahahaha. Right now I'm watching 13 going on 30 and it's such a feel good movie. Tonight before bed I'm going to watch The Secret Life of Bees, I hear it's amazing.


Saturday, February 14, 2009


Happy Valentines Day!!
Nothing too exciting going on here.
Today I found out my grandmother passed away.
I was down and out and kept asking God, "WHY?" I've had so much happen to me I feel like it's never ending, but I know I have to keep faith in him.

xoxo Alyssa

Friday, February 13, 2009

I've Arrived!

This is my first blog,
I've been reading a couple of blogs religiously
for the past year and decided that I'd create my own.
It seems like some sort of an on-line journal,
and that's what I need.
Later on tonight or tomorrow I'll post my story, but right now I feel like a broken record I've been talking too much about myself lately, haha!
xoxo Alyssa