Thursday, October 29, 2009

trust in him at all times

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalm 62:8

since my mom died instead of actually feeling the emotions i've obsessed over irrational things. since starting my medication i CAN'T obsess, once i start obsessing i just stop, and i try and try but i CAN'T so now, i have to face the emotions, the scary ones, the ones where i know my mom is dead, i'll never see her again, i've never mourned, and now i'm starting to.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

five minutes

i want so badly to have five minutes. five minutes, that's all i need. i need five minutes to hug her, to remember her voice, to inhale her smell, i want five minutes. five more minutes. if i had five minutes i don't think i'd ask her questions, i don't think i'd make her tell me what heavens like-i know she's there, i don't think i'd do anything but say i love you, and hug her, have her hold me, have her be there, for five minutes. i feel so guilty for spreading all this shitty energy, why can't i write about how her death inspires me, how i need to live a better life because of her, why don't i appreciate that i had her for nine years? i can't write about that because EVERY fucking day i have a smile on my face, every fucking day i tell people it's okay when they accidently ask if my mom's going to pick me up, every fucking day i tell my teachers i'm fine, every fucking day i put on an act, and i need somewhere to write about the feelings i don't know about. when i'm writing my finger tips move and i read what comes up, usually suprised. i click new post and i don't know what the post is going to contain. my posts are all over the place, because my mind trys to start burying those raw emotions, patching up that hole. i need to rip off the patches, i need to feel the fucking raw shit, i need to. but i'm too scared. i'm too scared of going back to that dark place, i don't want to, whatever way i can to prevent it, i'm doing. i know talking about how i feel is good, i know crying is good, i just don't want her death to consume me all the time. sometimes i get through a day without even thinking about her, and that's what hurts, she's not in my life. she's not something i need to get through the day. and that hurts. she's suppose to be here, she's suppose to be a vidal person in my life, and she's not. i want five minutes.

fairness my ass.

i need to write. but what am i supposed to write about. a weights on my chest but i don't know what the weight consists of. the major thing is...

it's not fair.

that's it. it's NOT fair that my mom died. it's NOT fair that my cousin died. it's NOT fair that i struggle with anxiety and ocd. it's NOT fucking fair. why can't it just be FAIR. why do good people have to die, why do good people have to leave this earth, WHY. i believe He has a plan for me, something good WILL come out of this all, but sometimes it's fucking unfair.