Friday, July 17, 2009

when the cookie crumbles

on January 5, 2005 my universe shattered. my universe as i knew it was gone, torn away. something NO ONE should go through.from that day on i've become a wounded person, i will be the girl i was on January 4, 2005 again. i will never been the same. i don't know who i would've become because death has changed me so much, it has made me different human. would i be more care-free, would i have never have gone through the anxiety and panic attacks, unable to go to certain places. i will never know. ever. on January 5, 2005 my mom died. she died, she was there and then she was gone. never to hug me again, never to talk to me again, never there to cry to, never would i be able to say i love you. i never got to make that last call. i never got to say sorry for all the attitude i gave her. for my whole life i will have a burden on my that i never called my mom. my last chance, my gut feeling, i missed it. i wish i could have that ONE conversation, even if she didn't understand me, it would give me the closer i need. (i thought i was past the barganing stage). i know i've come to terms with her death, but every new milestone i achive there's a feeling deep down inside that somethings missing. SHE'S missing, when i got my period i didn't have a mom to run to i didn't have someone to tell me how to use a tampon for the first time i didn't have a woman in the house to ask all my qusetions about all the wierd feelings i had. i'd ask friends, but i think they got annoyed. i can't go to my dad and say dad whats this feeling, because he has NO possible idea. my therapist says each major milestones in my life it will be like i'm dealing with her dying all over again. i'm sort of scared but i know i'll get through. she said it'll be less harder as life goes on. when my mom died i turned all my senses off. yeah, i was still a kid but when you're nine you don't comprehend death. for YEARS i thought she was going to walk through the door. for years i thought maybe it was all a mistake. and the older i got the more it became real. the older i got the more i realized i will NEVER know who my mom was. every single day i think about her a little less. every single day i loose a memory i had of her. i don't remember her voice. i don't remember what she sounded like when she called my name or said she loved me. i don't remember what she was like. i forget almost everything about her. that's what hurts the most. i'll never know her.


"No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war"
-Laughing With
Regina Spektor