fix it friday!

this was on friday and i edited this weekend but never got around to uploading it....here it is!!

puzzle pieces.

any new change puts me into full anxiety. i hate change, i like to feel comfortable. i like to know what's coming next, surprises are not my friend. although this is my sophomore year of high school, i'm no longer the freshman who is terrified and lost, it's still DIFFERENT. in order for me to learn well i need to have a good relationship with my teachers, and with a new school year that means that it's all new teachers, new relationships that i need to build. the first two days were good. my teachers all seem very down to earth and i think i'll be able to build relationships with them.

it still is hard for me to start new beginnings while my mom isn't here. it's hard to know that she'll never be there when my boyfriend breaks up with me, when i get engaged, on my wedding day, when i get pregnant, when i give birth, and all those other major life moments. she's forever gone and even though as time goes on it gets a little easier to get through the day without crying, i know it's going to be incredibly hard to go through the those moments without her there, i've said it a lot, but there will forever be a missing puzzle piece in my life puzzle. we start as babies, basically four puzzle pieces: food, sleep, poop, repeat. as life goes on we become attached to more things, some blankets, some toys, some people. each year in life puzzle pieces are added, our jigsaw becoming more complex.

no matter how full my puzzle gets, there will always be a piece i can't find, i will always search for it, but it will always be missing.

fix it friday

this is my first photo edit for i heart faces!

lightroom

all edited with lightroom...i'm officially OBSESSED.

robbed

the thing that hurts me the most is that i was robbed at the chance of ever getting to know her....

ocd

last night i watched an abc family secrets primetime special about teens struggling with ocd. i have ocd and i take medicine for it and it's helped SO much. not too many people know what i struggle with or that i'm on the medicine. watching the special i felt such a connection to the kids because i know what the struggles feel like. i know what it feels like to look for reassurance and your family just pushing you to do the things you fear. also, seeing the special gave me a better understanding of the ocd. when you have ocd a certain thing in the brain doesn't send you the message that its okay. you worry and worry and worry and worry and it consumes you. "regular" peoples brain get the message that the irrational thought is in fact irrational and not to worry. the medicine helps us realize the thoughts are irrational. i have ocd but i'm conquering it.

peace

this is how i've been feeling. i can honestly say i feel the best i've felt in a LONG time. and i'm so happy. i feel normal, which is such a new thing for me. i've spent the last three years having anxiety pretty much every day. not going out in fear of coming home to my dad dead, not wanting to leave the house because what if the world split in half. i now look at it and see how IRRATIONAL those thoughts were. living with OCD is horrifying. i still get irrational fears but i will NOT let that stop me from doing things. i will go on an escalator, something i WOULDN'T do for over a year. i go to malls, stores, on walks because i know every time i do it i become a little less scared. i'm happy. and i love it.